The Power to Choose!

I must admit that before I came to terms with my sexuality one of the greatest misconceptions I had about the gay life concerned the abundance of individuals burdened with HIV and aids.  I never considered the sexual health aspect about being gay because I had an unrealistic idea of homosexual sex.  Before I was actually brave enough to engage in sex with a man I adored free online gay porn.  A few times a week I searched for clips of black men engaging in freaky sex-capades overshadowing the terrible plots.  You know how most black gay porn is- freaky cable guy is about to cancel your stolen cable but will keep it on for some head; or perhaps a dude breaks into your apartment and ends up getting ass; or maybe a drug dealer has to take it up the booty because he’s short on money for his supplier; or of course two dudes have to get it in before their girlfriends get back from shopping, etcetera and excreta.  I never related to the plot lines and before I ever new intimacy with a man I couldn’t relate to the actual intercourse; however, I did relate to the fantasy.  I longed to know what it was like to hold a man, touch a man, kiss a man, taste a man, experience head from a man, and most of all slide inside a man’s tightness.  At that time I didn’t realize that I was actually glamorizing gay pornographic sex.  Moreover, not only was I glamorizing the sexual acts, I was glamorizing the idea of unprotected sex.  I didn’t think it was a big deal that most of the flicks I watched featured raw sex, actually I was turned on seeing the cum drip from the dicks/asses of hot men.  I never actually took the time to consider the irresponsible logic of such scenes or the danger of glamorizing such reckless activities.  It wasn’t until I actually started talking to guys and realizing that many of the guys I sought to get to know where positive that I thought about HIV/Aids issues.  I was completely stunned to find out that so many men my age or younger were dealing with the disease.  Furthermore, I was even more surprised when I realized that so many of my fellow gay contemporaries did not practice safer sex habits.  Therefore, it seems that while many of us in the twitter-verse, Facebook-land and blogosphere are talking about sex, showing sexy pictures and sharing sexy videos it is still not popular to address the white elephant in the room- HIV and Aids.  For some HIV/aids has become an inevitability that they don’t even try to avoid.  Some claim to know everything about fleeting, various sexual positions and how to suck a mean dick, but they know very little about practicing safe sex.  Not only that but I am saddened that a lot of men I encounter are so irresponsible with their sexual choices.  My heart bleeds because of the lack of knowledge of my people. 

We must do better!  We must be better caregivers of our body, mind and spirit.  As a man I understand the immense sexual desire that constantly flows through our beings.  I understand that often times our hormones lead the way but beloved we must learn to make smart decisions.  There is no such thing as “its just sex.”  Anytime you engage in a sexual act with someone you share not only sexual fluids but you share their body.  For a brief moment the two of you become one.  Tops literally enter into a bottoms body.  In order for anal sex to occur many things must happen.  The bottom’s body must submit to the top’s penis.  Call yourself a “power bottom thug” or whatever – it doesn’t matter.  In order for your body to be relaxed enough to take dick you must be submissive and accepting in some way.  You physically let your guard down to relax your anal muscles enough to let a foreign object slip inside of you; in doing so you hurt yourself.  Most men who enjoy bottoming admit that they like pain.  Pain is an essential part of anal sex.  Yes, pleasure follows the pain; however, each time you accept a dick inside of your ass you are letting another person hurt you.  When we consider sex from this perspective we must then question each person we let inside of us.  We must ask ourselves, Is this person someone I will allow to hurt me?  Then we must take a step further and ask, is this person someone who will stay during the healing process?  In other words, if you like to cuddle, be held, caressed, and shown affection- then why do you allow people to penetrate you who only want to bust a nut?  After we have been penetrated we feel both physically and emotionally open.  Remember that not everyone who wants to have sex with you will treat you well in those vulnerable moments.  Additionally, if you long to be in a relationship why do you consciously choose to lay with people who you know are not looking for a relationship?  Moreover, for those who prefer to penetrate why are you willing to enter into someone’s body if your intentions are different than their own?  Whenever we penetrate someone we essentially allow their body to hold or carry a part of us.  Even though gay sex cannot procreate we are still entrusting someone to seize our life maker- our preciousness that separates us from women.  Our penises are more than just pleasure sticks.  Our dicks are the shafts that help us to rid our bodies of certain toxins which allow us to be strong and healthy individuals.  Our male organs produce hormones that keep us sane and secrete the lifeblood containing our sperm.  We must intentionally decide who is worthy of such trust and responsibility.  At the end of the day we are men- we are squirrels trying to get a nut; however, the last time I checked we could do so ourselves.  We must transcend the idea of meaningless or random sex if we are really going to greatly reduce the frequency of new HIV/Aids cases among black gay men.  The prevalence of HIV/Aids in the black gay community has little to do with unprotected sex.  Indeed, sex without a condom increases ones chance of contracting the disease; however, condomless sex masks the underlying issue of making poor sexual choices.  We have a lot of work to do if we are going to start properly dealing with these issues.

The work must begin with our infected brothers.  If you are positive please know that HIV/Aids is something that you have- it is not who you are.  You are a being.  You are a man.  You come from a long line of kings who were able to organize and mobilize communities to stand together and bring about change.  Do not let the illness define you.  Do not beat up on yourself for making poor or ill-advised choices.  Do not be ashamed of your status or your story.  Shame is a tool that our oppressors use to keep us in psychological bondage.  Shame keeps us from being free to forgive ourselves and subsequently save the lives of others.  Shame hinders us from learning who we really are and utilizing the inner strength and ability that we possess.  Do not let shame ruin your life.  Shame fosters hurt, resentment, pain, lethargy, emotional self-mutilation, and a host of other damaging and debilitating thoughts, ideas, and actions.  Free yourself from the shame so that you can cherish the individual that the Universe created you to be.  Free yourself from shame and embarrassment so that you can put that energy to good use.  Mentor newly infected individuals, lobby for antidiscrimination laws and fair healthcare- work to educate young people and the surrounding community about the things you have learned along the way so that they can make informed sexual choices.  Be a beacon of hope, light, and encouragement!  You are more than your status.

Furthermore, those of us who are fortunate enough to not have contracted the virus must work to not judge those who do have the disease.  But by the grace of the Universes any of us could have tested positive at anytime.  I admit that in haste or foolishness I have not always made the most responsible decisions in the bedroom; therefore, I do not have the right to judge anyone who has tested positive.  All same gender loving males must work to love one another because we have a common struggle.  It’s not about positive verses negative or top verses bottom or #teamWHATEVER against #teamSO&SO- no, it is about all of us coming together and realizing that we have more in common than we think.  Being gay in America is not easy.  Being black and gay is a double hardship so we must learn to work together and love one another.  Do not be afraid to date, fall in love with or have sex with someone who is positive.  Just be educated, take precautions and have sex with the right people for the right reasons.  Sex is something that is beautiful and precious- do not give up everything to everybody.  Protect your body.  Honor your well being.  Love yourself and those around you enough to make good choices.  I know that many of us are young and trying to get as much ass/dick as we can, but I promise that sex is so much better when feelings are involved.  I am not asking you to be a prude or a Bristol Palin (born again virgin) but I am asking you to think before you smash!  Additionally, I promote the use of condoms at all times in all situations; however, I am not naive enough to think that there are situations and instances when you and your partner may decide for whatever reason not to use protection.  While I do not condone such behavior, I respect your right to choose.  I do hope that whatever choices you make you understand the magnitude of any consequences.  If you are the least bit unsure about what you should do- WRAP IT UP!  #teamCONDOM J

1Luv DL

Comments

[Caleel D]

awesome blog. Very informative. We often forget that we become one with the individual regardless of the role we play.

[Lu Logic]

The STD/HIV rate is still a major issue within the black and latin gay community that still needs to be addressed. Even though there has been many advances over the years on STD/HIV treatment, we ALL must not loose sight of this issue. It's post like this that keep the matter out there for this if anything must never be forgotten.

[Leary]

Excellent blog sir! We must continue to educate and advocate! In doing so I believe our "joy in the morning" will get here a lot sooner. Bravo!

[Cal B]

"In other words, if you like to cuddle, be held, caressed, and shown affection- then why do you allow people to penetrate you who only want to bust a nut?" True words. It is this same thought pattern that led me to have sex when I was younger and was just discovering my sexuality.

I remember when I had my first gay sex encounter, I held on to his dick while we were fooling around because I didn't want his dick to slide in without any condoms on first. I WAS SO SCARED! LOL He had asked me why I kept holding on to him, and when I explained, we had a good laugh. It was a year later I came to find out that he had gotten the clap at one point in time. Somewhere within me, the head above the belt was telling me to be cautious. I'm glad I listened **SMILES**

I like how you continue to spread the message about self-love and acceptance before letting others into you and your space: it goes a LONG way in teaching me to accept who I am even more. I love how you emphasize two becoming one, even though they may not be in the confines of a marriage- we often forget that fundamental fact (especially given the stigmas against gay marriage & non-procreating gays and lesbians). I myself can't really stomach bareback porn [gay or straight] because even though it's onscreen, TO ME it's real life. And I feel compelled to practice what I preach: SAFE SEX FOR ONE, SAFE SEX FOR ALL! Love your work, and keep educating the masses.

Happy Holidaze y'all!

[Gilla]

Very good point about safe sex.
I just read this interesting Huff Post article but ignore the Paul Angelo bit, the guy is clueless. People in the comments keep saying that it's not supposed to hurt. So I don't think your right about the pain.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/06/anal-sex-heterosexual-couples-report_n_1190440.html